A VALUABLE WEDDING CEREMONY

A wedding ceremony’s prime function is to provide the bride and groom an opportunity to make promises to each other. Those promises form the basis of their marriage and give the officiating clergy the right to pronounce them man and wife. So care should be taken to be certain that the promises if kept, will make their marriage fulfilling and secure. And the entire ceremony should emphasize and clarify those promises to the friends and family that attend.

Traditional wedding promises go something like this:

Will you take this (woman, man) to be your (wife, husband), to live together in the covenant of marriage? Will you love (her, him), comfort (her, him), honour and keep (her, him) in joy and in sorrow, in plenty and in want, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others be faithful to (her, him) so long as you both shall live.

These and similar vows emphasize three core elements of marriage that have proven to be very valuable over the centuries. First, a marriage is a permanent relationship (as long as you both shall live). Second, it is sexually exclusive (forsaking all others be faithful). And third, it is a relationship of extraordinary care (love, comfort, honour, and keep in joy and in sorrow, in plenty and in want, in sickness and in health).

I encourage a bride and groom to write these promises in their own words and expand upon them. Their marriage will be permanent — they are in this relationship for life. They will guard their marriage from outside threats, making sure that they will never have a romantic relationship with anyone else. And they will care for each other far more than they will care for anyone else — they will be first in each other’s lives.

Extraordinary care means that they will do what they can to make each other happy by meeting each other’s most important emotional needs, especially the needs of affection, intimate conversation, sexual fulfilment, and recreational companionship. And they will take the necessary time to be sure that those needs are met, regardless of how busy they become.

Extraordinary care also means that they will avoid making each other unhappy. They won’t be demanding, disrespectful, angry, or dishonest. They will consider each other’s feelings and interests before making decisions. If one objects to what the other wants to do, that person simply won’t do it until a mutually enthusiastic agreement is reached. They will protect each other from their selfish instincts.

The entire marriage ceremony should reflect on those vows. The music and the minister’s sermon should focus attention on what the bride and groom will promise each other. By the time the couple speaks the vows, no guest should have any doubt regarding the meaning of their promises to each other. And the ceremony should be a guide for guests who may have forgotten their own promises. Many who attend weddings find themselves recommitting themselves to each other when the purpose of the ceremony is made clear.